


Terrifying

by AMidnightDreary



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, Loki (Marvel) Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 08:17:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18090749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMidnightDreary/pseuds/AMidnightDreary
Summary: Tony and Loki have a Talk about happiness.





	Terrifying

**Author's Note:**

> And another short and sweet (and feely) thing! 
> 
> I have far too many ficlets like this waiting to be posted, so there'll probably be more of them in the future. xD
> 
> Enjoy!^.^

“I'm happy,” Loki said, and just a few seconds later he said it again, “I'm _happy_ ,” and something about his voice sounded so off that Tony looked up from his tablet to stare at his lover.

There were sitting on the low, comfortable sofa in the Malibu mansion, both busy with their own projects. Well, at least Loki had been busy only moments ago, now he was only lying on his back, his feet in Tony's lap, and glared up at the high ceiling as if it had insulted his pranking skills.

“Loki?” Tony asked, confused. “You okay?”

“Yes,” Loki said and yup, it still sounded very, very off.

Tony blinked. “Are you sure?”

“I am _happy_ , Tony.”

There was a note in Loki's voice that reminded Tony of the one that was usually reserved for big scientific or magical discoveries. It also reminded him of how Loki had sounded when he'd said, “ _You love me_ ,” looking at Tony wide eyed after he had told Loki that for the first time. _“I do,”_ Tony had said, _“Of course I do.”_

But then Loki had also looked and sounded very happy, and now Loki just looked and sounded like he was frustrated and confused and _scared_ , and Tony really didn't understand that. That didn't seem like the appropriate reaction to being happy. _Being happy_ should be the appropriate reaction to being happy.

“Okay?” Tony said after a moment, trying to stay calm and failing miserably because he couldn't _possibly_ be calm when Loki wasn't, especially not when Loki looked scared. “I mean, I know. What -”

“You _know_ ?”, Loki repeated, propping himself up on his elbows to glare at Tony as if _he_ had insulted his pranking skills.

Tony was really very greatly confused by now. “Yes,” he said slowly. “You've seemed happy for quite a while now. To me, at least. I thought -”

“How?” Loki asked. Now he didn't look offended anymore, no, _now_ he stared at Tony like he knew the answers to the most mysterious questions of the universe.

“How?” Tony echoed. “How what?”

“How can you tell?” When Tony just looked at him blankly, Loki added impatiently, “That I am happy? How do you know?”

A million things crossed Tony's mind - huffed laughter and eye-rolls and lips on his temple, and cold feet nudging his under the blanket, then unashamed giggling when he squirmed. Fingers curling around a hot cup of a tea and thankful smiles, pranks and dazzling grins and sleeping through a whole night without nightmares, and absentminded humming.

Tony thought of all that, but what he said was, “I just remember what you were like when you weren't.”

“Happy,” Loki said, apparently in need for clarification.

“Yes.”

Loki just looked at him.

“Okay,” Tony said and set his tablet aside, because somehow this seemed like a Talk. And Talks usually demanded his full attention, especially when they were Talks with Loki. “What's wrong with being happy?”

“I wouldn't know, would I?” With a huff, Loki let himself fall back and started staring at the ceiling again. “I have never -”

 _… been happy before_ , Tony's mind finished the sentence when Loki didn't. Tony swallowed thickly, sitting up properly and putting his hands on Loki's bare, cold feet.

“Loki,” he said, as softly as he could. “I'm happy you're happy.”

“Why?”

“ _Why_?” Tony huffed a laugh. “Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“Because I like seeing you happy,” Tony answered, trying not to sound too bewildered. “It's nice.”

“It's terrifying.”

It was, a little; Tony knew that. But he still asked, “Why?”

Loki stayed silent for what felt like several minutes. When he finally spoke, his voice was very quiet. “If it ends,” he began, made another pause, then tried again, “When it ends, it will… shatter me.”

“I liked ‘if’ better,” Tony said, his tone light even though there was a pain in his chest that had nothing whatsoever to do with the arc reactor. “And I won't let anything shatter you.”

“I have been happy for a while, you say,” Loki said.

“I think so, yes. You didn't notice?”

Another stretch of silence. Then, “I did. But I only now realized that it is not… going away. It feels final. Like this is - everything.”

Tony frowned and crawled up Loki's body, lying down on top of him, his chin resting on Loki's chest. He knew that Loki wasn't bothered by his weight. “Do you want it to go away?”

“No,” Loki said without hesitation, which soothed Tony a little. “That is what makes it so frustrating.”

“Why?” Tony asked again, and Loki sighed. His hand had come up to play with Tony's hair.

“It would make things easier,” Loki replied after a moment. He didn't sound as agitated anymore, just uncomfortable. “Not being as happy as I am.”

“Because then you could leave,” Tony said, closely watching what he could see of Loki's face.

“I do not want to leave you.” Loki lifted his head, catching Tony's gaze and holding it. His eyes were very wide and very scared. “I will _never_ want to leave you.”

“Then I don't really understand what the problem is,” Tony said. He moved his head, nudging Loki's hand, and Loki got the message and continued running his fingers through Tony's hair.

Loki let his head fall back again. “Are you not scared?” He asked, sounding lost. “Not at all?”

“Sure, a bit. I don't have that much experience with long-term relationships either, you know.”

“I do not want this to end.”

“Me neither.” Tony stretched a little until he could press a kiss on Loki's collar bone. “But we haven't really had any problems so far, have we?”

“I threw you out of a window.”

“We weren't yet together then. But you do still throw me out of the bed on a regular basis. I've forgiven you, though.”

A beat, then Loki sniffled a bit. “It is hardly my fault you keep falling out of bed.”

“It is, and you know it.”

“I do not.”

“I regret the day you found out I'm ticklish.”

“Don't,” Loki said. “It was a lovely day.”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed. After a moment he asked, “Would you rather be unhappy? Or… I don't know, a little less happy?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Tony rubbed his cheek against Loki's chest, which vibrated with a soft chuckle in reaction. “I think I know what you mean, though.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” Tony said. “You're not the only one who believes he can't have nice things. Or not for long, anyway. The thought that you don't deserve those things, or that they won't last, that can make being happy really terrifying.”

“You are very wise for a mortal.”

“Don't mock me, I'm serious.”

“I am not mocking you,” Loki murmured. “I meant it.”

Tony just huffed. He was sure that Loki was smiling.

“Are you happy?” Loki asked then, and quickly added, “Not because I am happy. Because -”

“Because you make me happy,” Tony finished, nodding against Loki's chest. “Yeah, I am. This is _good_ , Loki. It's the best fucking thing that happened to me in… I don't know, forever, maybe. And I want this to last.”

“What if I ruin -”

“You won't ruin anything, love,” Tony cut him off. “Maybe you'll fuck up sometimes, and maybe I will, too. But we will figure something out then, okay? We'll make it work.”

Loki wrapped his arms around Tony, pulling him up a little until he could bury his face in Tony's hair. “Every time I had something good,” he said quietly, “somebody took it away from me. I have never been completely happy, not until now, but the few times I _could_ have been, it always turned out that I was not worth it.”

“Bullshit,” Tony said, a bit harsher than intended. He hoped Loki knew that the sharpness wasn't directed at him. “You _are_ worth it, Loki.”

Loki hummed - Tony could feel the sound in the chest beneath him - then kissed the top of Tony's head. “You are, too.”

Tony buried his face in the crook of Loki's neck and smiled into it. His voice came out muffled when he said, “I love you.”

Loki murmured the words back, and then he added, “I'm happy.”

It sounded much happier now.  



End file.
